Be stupid!
One of the things that took me a long time to understand and that I realized later on is crucial for my sanity is that I don’t want to conform to what is “normal”. By that, I mean normal social behavior: the conventional way of talking to people, especially strangers, keeping to the usual barriers and worrying that people will judge you if you act a little differently.
Being silly, for example, isn’t always seen as a good thing. Very few people look at that side of me and think of it as something positive. Most people have some kind of internal filter that automatically sorts you out based on signals like that. To them it can mean you’re unreliable, unstable, childish or immature. And while sometimes that might be true it can also be completely wrong.
For me silliness is part of my nature. I know I’m fully capable of being mature, serious, respectful and acting with integrity when it’s needed. I also know there are times when I need to tone it down. But I don’t think I should erase it or have an identity crisis because of it. It’s an essential part of me and letting it live is a form of freedom.
That freedom of just acting naturally is important to me. I don’t want people to tell me how to behave or what to do because that restricts my freedom and my ability to express myself.
Fortunately there are people in the world who actually enjoy that part of me. Some of them even became my closest friends partly because of it. These are the people I cherish most because with them I feel comfortable, accepted and embraced.
Sometimes you want to act a little crazy. But if you constantly feel rejected for it and you start believing that you are the one in the wrong then you begin to hate yourself or doubt who you are. That’s something I used to experience but I will never experience it again and I hope no one else ever has to.